Manual Sex Ed at Hogwarts
by Phorpus
Summary: The anticipated sequel to Sex Ed at Hogwarts, which was removed. Ron is falling for Hermione, an Asian man is renting out the new school, and Draco is in Gryffindor...this should end well. HarryXHermy MAYBE RonXHermy
1. Some Secret Place

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, if anything, HE owns ME  
  
Chapter 1 Inside of some big secret place  
  
Harry's wand glowed with an orb of warm light as his two companions Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger trailed behind him. Where were they you might ask, well, you're guess was as good as theirs...probably even better.  
"Harry! I thought you knew where you were going!", said Hermione.  
"Of course I did.", said Harry, dripping sweat from his face, "It is getting hot in this tunnel, though..."  
"Wait, we are going to white castle, right?", asked Ron.  
Hermione and Harry looked back at Ron as he said, "I was just hungry...you know, I have a huge craving for burgers now...and..."  
A blast of light streamed through the tunnel and for the fraction of a second, Harry could've sworn he saw a Dementor in front of them...and so did his scar. With absolute determi-  
The author couldn't finish the sentence because Harry chucked a rock at his head and told him, "Shut up with the bloody literatics! Get us out of here!" I flipped him the bird and they continued forward until they reached a door marked:  
IF YOU CAN READ THIS, PREPARE TO DIVE  
  
Hermione was adjusting her glasses (SEXY glasses, woo-hoo) and said, "What does that meeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..."  
They all landed with a deafening thud, smashing the center staff table with a tremendous crack, all of the first years who were getting placed in the houses were staring with I-hope-that-doesn't-happen-every-day-here looks. Dumbledore smiled with inward delight at them, looking down at his broken table and dishes, while Hagrid was trying to restrain his glee. The new defense against the dark arts teacher, Tamago Sakitume, was helping a gasping Flitwick to cough out the fork he accidentally swallowed. Ron got up, brushed some ancient stone off his head and said, "All in all, I prefer the stairs." Then landed unconscious on the floor.  
"Well,", said Dumbledore, still in his chair, "I believe this new school year will be more interesting than the last."  
  
A/N: I'm trying a different idea for a sequel to "Sex Ed at Hogwarts", so, tell me what you think...please....? Oh, and by the way, if you couldn't get any of the chapters from 'sex ed at hogwarts', E-mail me at and I'll send you back the chapter you want. 


	2. Serious

Disclaimer: What is God? How can we ask the great answ-what? This isn't the illuminati meeting? Oh, I don't own Harry Potter...just forget what I said.  
  
Chapter 2 Serious Questions  
  
Snape was thundering with rage, Dumbledore was bubbling with laughter, and Flitwick was trying to get a knife out of his ass...don't ask how it got there, I don't know.  
"You are in direct disobedience of rule 2345675345 of paragraph B52 of the 1997 goblin riot convention hearing!", yelled Snape.  
"What in the world are you talking about?", asked McGonagall, who was sitting in a royal blue chair in the corner.  
"Nothing, I just wanted to sound professional..."  
"Severus is right, Harry. I will have to dock your house by twenty-five points.", said Dumbledore.  
Severus jumped in the air and crossed off another thing to do before he dies on his notepad:  
  
Get laid by Lily Evans Get Dumbledore to subtract Gryffindor's house points Pet a dog Go back in time Eat tuna Kick a Potter straight in the arse  
  
"Professor, but the train was out of control again! The conductor was in the bathroom with the lunch cart lad-", Ron was cut off when Filch said, "Oh, professor. An Alexander Phorpus is here to see you."  
An asian man wearing money-green robes stepped into the office.  
"Ah, Phorpus! Nice to hear from you at last!", said Dumbledore outstretching his hand.  
Phorpus shook it and said, "I believe our agreement clearly stated that our property was not to be damaged."  
"Oh, of course.", said Dumbledore, staring directly at Harry.  
"Which means I will have to collect the fee...", and Phorpus outstretched a gloved hand.  
Dumbledore said, "Benefactrius!", then a pile of galleons popped in mid-air and landed with a clatter on Dumbledore's desk.  
"Hmmm, the price would be about a hundred galleons or so?", asked Dumbledore, sorting through all the gold and silver.  
Phorpus's eyes lit with greed at the sight of the money, then he coughed and waved his wand to transport all of the loot-er-fee.  
"Well, I'm off. And you'd better tell your more...callous students...", and Phorpus said this while looking straight at Ron, "To mind their own property." Then he walked off into the hallway.  
Dumbledore waved Harry, Ron, and Hermione away. They were exiting Dumbledore's office (which was now guarded by a marble merman with emeralds emblazoning its fins...but the gargoyle was still there as a secretary) when Ron said, "Why DID we go in the roof?"  
"D'know" said Harry, "Next time we're smoking Luna's grass, Ron."  
Hermione nodded agreeingly, "This IS our seventh year after all, we don't want to get kicked out NOW."  
Harry wrapped an arm around Hermione's waist and said, "So, when we celebrate the end of the year...how should we celebrate?"  
Hermione licked her lips and held onto Harry's tie and said, "Maybe some ice cream and cherries...and a whip?"  
Ron asked, "Wait, why do you eat ice cream with a whip?"  
Harry and Hermione looked at him again with sturdy you're-a-real-nincompoop looks.  
They walked off when Ron asked, "Really! I tried it! The leather taste overpowers the ice cream!"  
  
A/N: Review, review, blah, blah, blah. 


	3. The Idjut Disease

Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter I wouldn't have a disclaimer  
  
The Idjut Disease  
  
It was a calm and peaceful Saturday morning, doves twittered, Snape jacked off while secretly watching Goyle shower, and Harry, Hermione, and Ron were swimming in the now Squid-Free lake.  
"Hermione, I'm starting to worry about Ron. He's been smoking too much. I saw him trying to inhale a sock this afternoon...with his foot."  
Hermione adjusted her wet tank-top and said, "That's right. We should see madame Pomfrey before the day is ov-AUGH! STOP SPLASHING ME!"  
Ron got out of the water with armfuls of toads and shells and spit out a jellyfish before saying, "For your information I'm NOT mad. My parents call me Mentally Innefficient."  
Harry grabbed Ron's arm and dragged him to the hospital wing.  
"Help! Insaniphobiacs!"  
  
----------------------------------In the Hospital Wing----------------------------------  
  
Madame Pomfrey took the latex glove off her hand and said, "Well, Mr. Malfoy. The reason girls don't like you is because of a medical condition I call 'Fugly.'"  
Draco hitched up his pants and said, "But I have a big dick!"  
Pomfrey patted him on the back and said, "Suuuuure you do, dear. Suuuuuure you do."  
"I need some firewhiskey..."  
"That isn't going to help, Baby Dick."  
Ron was dragged in front of Madame Pomfrey and Harry said, "Ron's an idiot. Find out why!"  
She said, "Drugs, booze, and excessive sexual activity...YES i saw you with Ms. Brown in my office!"  
Hermione slapped Ron upside the head and said, "WHAT?!"  
"Well, the pillows were so soft and Lavender had a kinky nurse's outfit"  
"WE DON'T HAVE NURSES AT HOGWARTS!!", bellowed Pomfrey.  
"Oh, then it was her personal collection."  
Pomfrey just said, "Okay, I'll run some tests. It is a Saturday after all. Just strip down and step behind that curtain, please."  
"Why?", said Ron.  
"You always have to strip down now, its procedure in a hospital. Oh, and since we don't have any nurses here I might need your help, Hermione."  
Hermione said, "Why me?"  
"Because if Harry did it, it'd be uncomfortable for him. Besides, your Ron's friend."  
Harry left and said, "Don't touch Ron's balls too much, Hermione."  
  
------------------------After a few seconds-----------------------  
  
Pomfrey stepped around the screen with Hermione behind, sitting on a stool.  
"Okay, Ron. Relax, I'm just going to poke around your balls a little bit."  
After a few minutes of un-pleasuring fondeling, with laytex gloves, she said, "Well your bits and noodle are fine. But I felt something strange around the base of the dick and up to the scrotum. Could be a displaced vein that could lead to loss of blood, which would lead to light-headedness, which leads to dumbass-ness. Hermione, you're seventeen, give it a feel."  
Hermione cracked her knuckles and pulled off her gloves, "They feel too funny."  
She rubbed some lotion on her hands and felt her hands up and down Ron's dick. Ron never knew how GOOD Hermione was. Not only that, but to add to this accidental ecstasy, hr tank top had slipped a little and her nips were showing. His dick gave a natural jut out.  
"Oh, my.", said Hermione as the dick started growing, "Just relax, Ron."  
He thought, "This can't be so bad, I let Lavender do this...but she wasn't so...so..."  
And she continued slowly rubbing Ron's dick up and down, but suddenly felt a little thing move in the vein, so she started jerking it harder to see if she could find it.  
Ron was sweating profusely thinking, "Cold showers, dementors, cold showers, dementors..."  
"Strange, there's something in here, Madame Pomfrey."  
Pomfrey stepped down and felt it with the back of her hand, "Hmmm...it was good we had this physical. Alsworthorns!"  
And a little clump of grass seeds melted out of Ron's shaft.  
"How did grass seeds get in there?", asked Pomfrey.  
Ron started shoving his grass pipe further into the pocket of his pants that were lying on a chair,  
"No idea..."  
"Well, Hermione, looks like this grass has found its way into his sperm supply. So, Ron, jack off and leave a sample on this tray."  
Pomfrey tapped on a small metal tray and went off.  
"I'm supposed to jack off, NOW?!", said Ron.  
Hermione shrugged and sat on the other side of the curtain, her body perfectly silhoutted by the sunlight on the other side of the room.  
Ron asked to Hermione, "Hermione, do you mind helping me? I'm not really comfortable with jacking off in a hospital."  
She heaved a discouraged sigh and said, "How?"  
"I dunno' something!"  
She stepped around and lifted her top a little bit, showing her breasts, "This?"  
Ron started jacking off faster than ever. However, he noticed that Hermione was blushing and her eyes were quivering behind her glasses.  
He shot off onto the tray and zipped up his pants, "Well...thanks.", he stretched out a hand but she didn't shake it.  
  
------------------------------In the Gryffindor Common Room--------------------------------  
  
Ron was in a corner, staring out the window while Hermione and Harry were throwing exploding wizard crackers into the fireplace.  
"So, how did the hand-job session go?", asked Harry.  
Hermione shoved him ff the couch and said, "Meh, he wasn't as big as you."  
Ron stepped up and said, "I'm WAY bigger than..."  
For the first time in a long time, Harry gave a what-the-hell look, while Hermione gave a I-know-wink-wink look.  
"By the way, did you hear that I'm making a sattire show?", said Ron to take the heat off the subject.  
"WHAT?!", both of them said.  
"Yeah, I got the idea while I was coughing out dandelions.", and he jumped onto the couch next to Harry.  
"Can I be in it?", asked Harry.  
"Me too!", said Hermione.  
"Me thwee!", said a muffled voice under the couch.  
Harry dragged a dust-covered Colin Creevey from under the couch, and was greeted by a blinding flash.  
"Hello, Harry! Can I root through your trash?"  
"NO! And what are you doing under a sofa?", said Hermione.  
"Well, I was smelling Ginny's underwear..."  
"IKILLYOU!!!", screamed Ron as he grabbed his wand.  
Harry expeliarmus'd him and asked, "How does that get you under a sofa?"  
"Afterwards, I was jacking off, then I heard you three coming in, so I ducked underneath the so-"  
Colin couldn't finish what he was saying because Ron punched him square in the jaw.  
"NOBODY sniffs my sister's undies! GGGYYYYAAAAAHHHHH!!!"  
Colin was being skewered into a banner when Hermione said, "I want to make a documentary."  
Ron unplugged the spear out of Colin's stomach and said, "Huh?"  
"You know, like Michael Moore.", said Harry.  
"Who?", said Ron, "Honestly, do you think I listen to muggle stuff?"  
Ron took a look at his watch and said, "Oh, shit! I'm supposed to be on set! Tune into the fire place to watch it."  
And he took off down a hallway, tripped and fell down, got up, and started running down again.  
"What does he mean by tune into your firepl-"  
The fireplace blew up into a green flame and a voice said, "And live from Hogwarts, its Wednesday Night!"  
  
A/N: Review review, cluck, cluck, spew, spew, fu-Just review. 


	4. HNL

Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter I would have enough money to buy Emma Watson for...housekeeping. Oh, and I Don't own Saturday Night Live...even though I don't use it at all, but do copy off of it a lot in this story.  
  
HNL  
  
Ron was putting on black robes backstage, while the Cornelius Fudge skit was going on, and Ron had no idea that Hermione and Harry had made their way into the packed Great Hall. ---------Cornelius Fudge Skit-----------------  
  
Seamus is playing Fudge and sitting at a wooden desk in what appears his office, and said, "I know this is a troubled time. People are dying and my latest subscription to jugs has been canceled. But I'm sure to find the source of the problems soon."  
He drinks some scotch out of a bottle and says, "I have JUST found out Harry Potter is the evildoer right now, and will launch a full-scale attack on Iraq."  
He signals to end the conference and says to Percy (Played by Ron ;), "Whew! Bastards eat up everything I say! Where's my pot?"  
Percy says, "Can I PLEASE kiss your feet? Wash your hair with perfume? Suck your di-"  
"No, no, not today. What else is on my itinerary?"  
"Ummmm...your to be interviewed by the Quibbler, Daily Prophet, and Witch Weekly."  
Fudge is mindlessly picking his nose with his wand and says, "Huh?"  
"I'd like to go over a few questions."  
"Shoot, I know all, see all, and when my next law is passsed, OWN all."  
"Good, so, how do you know Harry Potter is the one behind all this?"  
Fudge has a blank expression and says, "Tarot?"  
"(Sigh) Corny, you have to know how to answer these!"  
"No I don't, I'll BS everything! Give me another one."  
"Did you REALLY have intercourse with one Cho Chang, a new intern?"  
Fudge had his eyes rolled up in his head and said, "No, but I DID screw the daylights out of her."  
Percy hit Fudge on the head with a clipboard and said, "BITCH! You said you loved me!"  
Then Percy bit his finger and started crying.  
"Oh, honeym I know I haven't been talking to you, and-"  
Percy just got up and said, "I'm going to the conference instead!"  
"Fine"  
  
-------------------Conference----------------------  
  
"I was raped by Cornelius Fudge today!", said Percy to three reporters.  
"No I didn't! It was consensual!"  
"It was not! And he's a member of the KKK, too!"  
A black reporter from the quibbler said, "You, gonna' die now, mutha' fuc-"  
A white screen draped around and read: This has been the news conference, we now return you to your regularly scheduled sattire.  
  
-------------------Backstage-------------------------  
  
Ron was greeted by Harry and Hermione, "Thanks, guys! Woo! That was fun!"  
Ginny came in wearing a newscaster outfit saying, "Ron, Lee is sick! We need another person for the Midweek Prophet!"  
"SHOIT! These are the moments I wish I still smoked grasss and dandelions. Harry, do you mind?"  
He was just stunned and said, "HUH?! I never even rehearsed or read any lines!"  
Ron just pushed him into Ginny's arms and said, "It's easy, just read from the magiprompter and you'll be fine. Ginny, teach Harry the basics and stuff."  
Harry screamed, "RON! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!!!"  
Ron took a swig of firewhiskey and said, "Right, right."  
  
--------------------Midweek Prophet-----------------------  
  
Live from the Great Hall, its Midweek Update. With your anchors Ginny Weasly, and special for tonight, Harry Potter."  
A cheer went out when they heard Harry was going to be on the show.  
"Hello, and here are tonight's top stories", said Ginny as she turned to the audience, "Today in Transylvania, an aged Vampire fell into a latrine. Also in that day, Cornelius Fudge had used a restroom in that area, making it the closest time in which nayone ever took in Fudge's shit."  
Harry was sweating profusely and read from the prompter, "T-today in London, the first annual Wand festival was heald. This w-would be the most wands passed around in London since every other day before it."  
"The olympics have just begun, and already one athlete has been found to have been using drugs to help him in competition. The attempt would have helped him, if the drugs weren't cocaine and oxycontin."  
"An American man was found kissing a rock in Russia, today, to find something like that in England, you would have to travel ALL the way to Snape's office."  
Ginny said, "Well, Hogwarts has just changed locations for the first time in history, and to tell us more about this is Albus Dumbledore himself."  
Ron came in dressed as Dumbledore and sat down between Ginny and Harry and said, "Ah, hello, young students."  
"Hello, (smirk) Dumbledore", said Harry.  
"Yes, yes. I no it is frustratin to be in a new school, but rest assured, you should know everything is okay.", said Ron/Dumbledore with an excesively wheezed voice.  
"What about the complaints by the new owners?", asked Ginny.  
"Oh, Phorpus? Well screw him."  
"What, sir?"  
"Look, I know y'all be inz ma' bidness, but I don't give a scabber's ass about the new owners."  
"But they could take away the school, leaving thousands of students without school."  
R/D took a jump back and said, "REALLY! Oh SHIT! I have to deconstruct some traps and pranks, please excuse me."  
And he ran off backstage.  
"Well, it seems our interview with professor Dumbledore has been cut short. This has been midweek update, good night."  
  
---------------------------Common Room----------------------------  
  
Everybody was cheering the cast of HNL and a huge party was underway. "Good job, Harry! You mind being the permanent anchor, now?", asked Ron.  
"Huh? What about Lee?"  
"Ah, he even said he didn't want the job, but everyone else didn't want to either. So, what do you say?"  
"Sure, I guess!"  
The whole common room exploded with cheers, and a soft hand grabbed Harry's hand and pulled him into the crowd. Hermione looked around to talk to Harry but was greeted with cheering fans. She was worried.  
"RON! OY!", yelled Seamus as he threw a bottle of Icebourbon to him from upstairs.  
Lavender Brown and Parvarti Patil were working down into Ron's pants, and a cople people saw this and got the idea, and soon a HUGE orgy was in progress. Luckily, Hermione had gotten a chance to lock herself in the girl's dormitory to not let girls soil the beds. Booze was flowing, Luna Lovegood and Cho Chang were smoking Alawestar weed on top of a table, and McGonagall was fuming as she saw Ron being fuc-MCGONAGALL!  
"What is the meaning of this?!!!!?", she yelled as Ron suddenly got up.  
"Professor, this sin't what it looks like!", then he took a look at all the booze-covered naked bodies and said, "Okay, so maybe it is a LITTLE bit what it looks like."  
"Put on your clothes and follow me! I'll decided a nice punishment for all of you!"  
  
A/N: Review, review, yak, yak. Oh, and the next chapter is going to be pretty hot. 


	5. Ginny's Fire

Disclaimer: Me no own Harry Potter  
  
Let Go Of That, Ginny!  
  
Harry was pulled into the crowd, and led down the hallway into the guest bedrooms, rooms for visitors that are separated from the dormitories. He was pulled onto a soft bed as a red-head with short perky hair magically locked the door. By now Harry realized it was.  
"Ginny! What are you doing?"  
She looked at him with puppy-dog eyes and said, "Whatever do you mean?"  
"You locked us into a solitary room with a king-sized bed with satin sheets, you see NOTHING wrong with that?!"  
She edged closer and said, "No, actually. I'm just going to ask a favor of you."  
She took off her tight jacket and he said, "What?", and he started backing away into the headboard.  
"Ever since I first saw you, my heart raced...", she pulled off her skirt, "My mind sped...", she started unbuttoning her white shirt, "And my thighs quivered...to meet with yours..."  
Harry was pretty much climbing on top of the four poster bed to get away from the naked and horny Ginny Weasly and he said, "G-ginny, Ron'll kill us!"  
"Maybe...but my dream will be complete, and I'll be in peace...now come down here so I can get you in me!"  
Harry tried to make a run for the door but Ginny threw a leg-locker curse at him.  
"Nowhere to hide, Harry...now cooperate..." she reached a hand down his pants and she gave him a passionate kiss on the lips.  
He was startng to succumb to her feminine beauty and form, and reached to run his hands up and down her back, she smiled and said, "I knew you'd see things MY way..."  
And she muttered the countercurse and he pushed her onto the bed and unlocked the door.  
"You need to control yourself, Ginny.", and he ran upstairs.  
She was stretching on the sheets and said, "We'll see, we'll see..."  
  
A/N: Review, review 


	6. Breakfast and An Announcement

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter...or so my shrink tells me  
  
A VERY Uncomfortable Breakfast  
  
Harry sat across Ginny and Ron across Hermione during breakfast. Then Ron noticed Ginny was staring at Harry and wasn't blinking.  
"Errr...Ginny?", asked Ron.  
She kept her gaze transfixed on Harry's face.  
Ron motioned to Hermione to look at Ginny, and she said, "Something wrong, Ginny?"  
She finally broke her sight and said, "WHAT?!"  
Ron and Hermione were taken aback and Ron said, "Do I have to cut off your coffee intake again?"  
"No, but I was in the middle of something important."  
She again looked directly at Harry, muttering under her breath. Hermione immediately recognized the muttering and said, "Are you trying to cast a love spell?"  
Ginny was shocked and said, "N-no" and she got up and walked out of the great hall.  
To change the subject, Harry said, "Sooooo, Ron, what happened to the party? Everyone was gone when I went up to the dormitory."  
"Oh, that. Mcgonagall caught us.", and he just went up inhalinh in his eggs and sausages.  
"WHAT?!", screamed Hermione, but wasn't heard because all the other murmurs of people talking drowned her.  
"No biggy, Cho fingered her and she just subtracted five points for each person there."  
"Ron, we had fifty people there!"  
"So?"  
He took a look at the hourglasses and noticed Gryffindor was the only house with negative two hundred-fifty points.  
"Oh, shoit."  
Harry said, "Well, we start classes today, maybe we can get out points back to...zero."  
"I'm just relieved we don't have sex ed anymore", said hermione...until Dumbledore said,  
"Ah, hello students! Oh, and thank you Mr.Weasley for portraying me so well."  
Ron took a few bows.  
"Also, it has come to my attention that sexual intercourse..."  
Everybody shuddered.  
"...is running rampant at this school. So, I am ordering school law, that every student here have sexual intercourse (Safely) after every two classes."  
Ron dropped his fork, Hermione gasped, Harry's pants started tenting, and Draco got up from the lonely Slytherin table and yelled, "YES!"  
"I believe if sex is de-sensitized enough, the pleasure and glory of it will tire and it will occur less. Now, enjoy your classes."  
Ginny heard this from the roof, holding her white broomstick in her hands and said, "Excellent..."  
  
A/N: Review, review. Oh, and I'm posting a load of chapters at one time to try to make up for my absence. I'm only posting more chapters if people review, I mean, why should I share my stories if nobody reads them? 


	7. The Pyre of Herpo

Disclaimer: Me No Ownies Harry Potties  
  
The Pyre of Herpo  
  
Draco was dancing happily in the hallways, singing the "The hiiiillllss are alliiiive with the sound of fuuuuuuuuckingggg" And a Harry and Hermione were taking a walk down the corridors.  
"'Mione, I have a problem..."  
Hermione genuinely looked cncerned and asked, "What? Did your pubes get caught in your zipper, again?"  
Harry grimaced as he remembered an awful moment and said, "No, no...it's about Ginny."  
"Ginny? You never even talk to her!"  
"Yeah...well...lets just say she took initiative..."  
"Say what? Oh, your reading that vocabulary calender I gave you! Good for you!"  
"I have, actually. Well, yesterday at the party, she sort of went hornified on me."  
"Horni-what?"  
"Her kitty was tickled to raid the fridge."  
"Que?"  
"SHE WANTED TO FUCK MY BRAINS OUT!!!"  
Draco stopped singing, Nearly Headless Nick dropped his head, and Ron was laughing, "Who?"  
In that single brief moment in time, Harry was paralyzed.  
"C'mon. Who has the hots for your knickers?", asked Ron again.  
"Er...er...er...Hermione?"  
Ron just said, "Duh! Of course, I should've kno...wait a tick, she was right in front of you when you yelled that out loud."  
Harry grabbed Hermione's hand and ran off down a hallway.  
"Shite! Now what?"  
Draco ran up to Ron wearing his boxers on his head and said, "You know, Ron, I think we ashould get better acquainted now that I'm in Gryffind-"  
Ron turned scarlet and yelled, "WHAT?!"  
"Thas' right mate, since I'm der only slytherini in the vicinity...I'ze biz in gryffinderz now."  
Ron fainted as Draco started dog humping his leg.  
  
---------------------In Potions---------------------  
  
"The proper concotion of the Wiggenweld Potion is a subtle yet sort process. Where wiggentree bark and flobberworm muccus is simmered in a steaming cauldron until it turns green..."  
Hermione and Harry just walked in, but Snape hadn't noticed yet...right?  
"Good, he's still teaching.", said Harry in a whisper as they slowly walked to the nearest empty table.  
Snape never moved his eyesight from the green potion as he said, "Mr. Potter, please demonstrate the proper creation of a wiggenweld potion."  
Harry looked like a deer in the headlights as he said, "Er?"  
"I presume you and Ms. Granger had a nice time...NOW GET UP HERE!"  
Harry slowly edged to the front of the class and Samus mouthed the words, "Your screwed"  
Snape wrapped his black robes around himself as he watched Harry reach for essence of horklump mushroom.  
Snape smiled.  
Harry then diverted his reach to get wiggentree bark.  
Snape scowled.  
Harry's mnd sped out of control to think of a way to get himself out of this predicame.  
"The bloody school is on fire!!!", yelled Ron through the doorway.  
All the children ran out of the room and Snape grabbed Harry's shoulder, "This is NOT over."  
Harry was released from Snape's hold and ran away.  
  
-------------------------Outside----------------------------  
  
"What in the world happened?", asked McGonagall as she looked at the charred remains of a statue.  
"Well, ma'am, we were just passing by and the whole thing exploded with flame!"  
Dumbledore appeared out of nowhere, literally, he stepped out of a black room with the sign 'NOWHERE' on top of it, and said, "I believe this is the statue of Herpo the Foul?"  
"I don't know...", said McGonagall, but read the bronze title on the base of the statue:  
  
HERPO THE FOUL The creator of the basilisk  
  
"I see, raise the security on the statue of Carlotta Pinkstone.", said Dumbledore.  
"What?"  
"I have an assumption. Now, go!"  
Ron dragged Harry and Hermione over to the now put-out statue and said, "Oh, sod! Its down! I was going to throw crookshanks in there!"  
"I don't have a cat anymore, Ron! Remember? It was hit by the giant squi...WWWWWHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAA!!! Crooky Shanks is dead!!! WWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! I'msuddenlyfilledwitholdmemoriesofmeandcrookshanks!!!!"  
  
------------------Flashback-------------------  
(It's a Wonderful World plays in the background and the picture's all filtered white)  
  
Crookshanks and I used to ride the swings, we bought a motorcycle and a side car later on for me, I would pet her pussy...hair, and she'd pet my pussy...er...and we'd apparate to Paris for espressos, when I got hammered and gave a wabble job to a hobo she'd be the designated flyer...and vice versa, and all kinds of other crazy stuff.  
  
--------------------Present Time------------------  
  
"(Sniff), well, ashes to ashes and dust to dust...so, what now?", said Hermione.  
"We have that new professor next, Tagamo Sakitume?", said Ron as he peered at his schedule.  
"I heard he's from the sea turtle clan on the nearby island.", said Hermione.  
"I heard he's a sea turtle.", said Harry.  
"I can pee without holding my dick.", said Ron, casually picking the dirt out of his fingernails.  
Silence.  
"Anyways, lets get to the next class.", said Hermione.  
Nobody seemed to notice that there was a small sea turtle on the head of the charred statue of Herpo the Foul.  
  
A/N: Review...of course. And I might do a side story when this one's finished of either a documentary of Wizard Government or HNL, with guest hosts and stuff. Or I could just retire and continue writing my book, either way, say it in a review. I love reviews, SO much...oh, and I might make a horror story with Draco seeing things and eventually going nuts...REVIEW! I don't even have another chapter written yet so give me some incentive! 


	8. Did Ron Just Get Kidnapped by A Dementor...

Disclaimer: I Don't own Harry Potter...or so I'm told.  
  
Tamago Sakitume  
  
Harry, Hermione, and Ron sat at a row of marble tables as the class just started. A large sea turtle with a grey beard half the size of Dumbledore's stepped to the front of the class wearing green and yellow robes.  
"Hello, students. It's time for defense against the dark arts, please pull out your wands...er, Mr. Longbottom, I meant the wooden one...I mean that it is LITERALLY made of wood. We shall practice the Carpe Retractum charm, which emits a lassoe of a color best suited for you and pulls you to something..."  
He said the spell and a green rope latched onto the ceiling and pulled him up to it.  
"...or pull something to you..."  
He said it again and Harry was pulled out of his seat and landed on the floor, but Sakitume had already conjured pillows there.  
"...Now, please practice this charm, and I expect that you should all learn this by the end of class."  
Harry had already mastered it during his tri-wizard training so he was having fun swinging around the room on a red rope of sparks like spider-man. Ron was unsuccesfully blasting small sparks of purple out of his wand, while Hermione's eloquent white rope was throwing and bringing back one of her textbooks in mid-air.  
Neville never understood spellwork much, most of the class time he was rubbing his Mimbelus Mimbletonia saying, "My, Precioussssssssssss..." Seamus and Dean were just drunk and rictusempra'ing everything in their sight while singing 'yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me!"  
Nobody seemed to notice Ginny, who skipped her charms class, standing at the doorway.  
"This is getting too hard!", said Ron as he blasted a river of purple sequins onto the front of his pants.  
"You arse, you have to hold the wand like THIS..."  
With that Hermione put a hand around Ron's hands and showed him the proper way to hold a wand...but Ron was more overtaken by a strange feeling of warmth and dizziness.  
"What's going on...I feel so...so...like I ate seahorse bologna...", thought Ron.  
"There! Now try it.", said hermione, letting go of Ron's hands.  
"Uh, okay...CARPE RETRACTUM!!!"  
A bolt of purple sparks blasted across the room, then fused together into a string and shot through the window, and pulled Ron out of his seat and smashing into glass. He was last seen hurdling into the sky.  
"Ron!", yelled both Harry and Hermione simultaneously.  
Harry carpe retractum'd his way up the roof to the window and looked around, seeing a rocky shore, a lake, a Dementor...SHIT!  
"A dementor is here!!! And its riding a Norwegian Ridgeback!!!", yelled Harry as he leapt onto the ground.  
"Oh dear, said professor Sakitume as he pulled himself up to the window and saw a large dragon with a 'dementor' on top of it, and saw that Ron had latched himself onto the dragon's tail.  
"RON!", yelled Ginny who didn't seem to care about secrecy anymore.  
"Ginny?", said Hermione.  
"Mione?", said Ginny "Hermione", said Harry.  
"Harry?", said Hermione.  
"What?", said Harry.  
"Ron?", said Ginny.  
"Gone", said Harry.  
"Really?", said Hermione.  
"Really, really", said Harry.  
"DONKEY!", said Draco.  
Silence...  
"We have to go after him!", said Harry.  
"No YOU don't! Leave this up to the teachers!", said Tamago.  
"How?!", said Harry.  
"Like this." and with that, Tagamo waved one of his fingerless hands and an army of small sea turtles jetted out of hidden walls, racing out of the window.  
"You don't see that every day.", said Hermone.  
"Speak for yourself", said Seamus.  
Dumbledore came in and asked, "What's all the commotion? I saw a dragon outside! Oh, and children, It's time to have sex."  
All the kids went "AUGH!!!" And several boys held their crotch in protection.  
"Not with me! For goodness sakes!"  
Harry and Hermione were still shocked to hear that Ron was taken by a Dementor, while everybody around them were starting to scream with joy.  
"Children, school law?", said Tamago as he exited the door.  
Hermione and Harry reluctantly took off their clothes and were starting to go in a steady motion when Ginny said, "I-I don't have a partner."  
Hermione said, "Use Harry, when I'm done."  
Ginny's face stretched with a smile...the kind the Grinch has after he stole all the presents.  
"OR, you can use Neville...you did date him once.", said Harry, trying to troubleshoot. "Can't, he's currently shoving a cactus up his Ass." "How 'bout Hermione?" "Hey! Just because we both got drunk and fingered each other and eventually with our room service waiter, doesn't mean I'm a lesbian!...and don't roll your eyes at me Harry James Potter!", said Hermione.

A/N: REVIEW...I plan to have th next chapter tomorrow, its going to be pretty funny ;) Oh, and should Ginny $#& Harry, or not?


	9. Dont Call Me That!

Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, I'd buy and make it into a full HP fanfic site.  
  
Dont Call Me That!  
  
Ron woke up to the smell of fire and a cold fealing gripping his chest.  
"Funny, I only felt this cold when..."  
He looked to his side and saw a dementor cooking a fish.  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU..."  
"Yes, yes, scream all you want.", said the dementor as he started sprinkling vegetables over the fish.  
"Oh, thank you...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..."  
The dementor started humming the Harry Potter theme song and was checking on the soup.  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..."  
The dementor rolled up his sleeve and looked at the time on his watch.  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..."  
The dementor started playing poke'mon on his game boy...old version.  
"(DEEP Breath) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH..."  
The dementor then threw a rock at Ron's face and said, "Knock it off! Just eat your lunch."  
"Why should I eat what YOU eat? Dementor?"  
Suddenly the 'dementor' stood up and said, "NEVER call me that. It is disrespectful and hurting to me!"  
Ron was taken aback and said, "Then...er...who or what are you?"  
The 'dementor' straightened his black robes and said, "A nazgul!"  
"You mean one of 'em lord of the rings kings who went to the bad side and shit?"  
"Hey! First off, Voldemort tricked us into taking the rings!"  
"Don't you mean Sauron?"  
"Who gives a shit? The story has no plot anyways, anywho...he said he'd give us two months of free internet access!"  
"Inter-what?"  
"Inter-NET, the computer network that sreads around the world."  
"Urrr?"  
"That plastic box where you get your veela porn."  
"Oooohhh! I always called it a Compytar, my father calls 'em that."  
"So", said the Ringwraith, "I guess you want to know why I'm here. Biscotti?"  
The ringwraith pointed to a tray of biscottis and Ron asked, "Why ARE you here? Aren't you supposed to be in middle east?"  
"Middle earth."  
"No difference, haphazard fighting and a crazy dictator, are you fighting for Sauro-er-Voldemort? (Shifty Eyes)"  
"No, no..I'm actually applying as an intern at the ministry. Hopefully, I'll work myself to misuse of muggle artifacts."  
Ron dropped his champagne and said, "Huh?"  
"Muggles are fascinating! I hae a collection of trading cards that depict their history of things called, 'Dinosaurs.'"  
The dementor pulled out his Magic the Gathering card collection...which he was proud of.  
"See, there's that thing...ooh! A swamp!"  
"That's sissy stuff! The real cards are wizard trading cards!"  
Ron pulled out a couple cards he got out of two frogs he ate (No French joke implied .  
"Niiice...I actually started with poke'mon myself. Do you by any chance have a charizard?"  
"No, poke'mon is OVER now. Anywho, where are you going to go, now?"  
The wraith patted his norwegian ridgeback, which was named Li'l Hobbitslayer, and said, "I guess I'll take a part-time job as a dementor at Azkaban. Oh, blimey! Do you want a ride back to school?"  
"You think we'll meet again?"  
"Find me at the Tour de France, I'll be the one wearing black."  
"Sooo...how is it being a ringwraith?"  
"Cold...and finding a chiroparactor is hell."  
"Why?"  
"I can't find my own back, but my rheumatism is working overtme on me...do you have any aspirin?"  
"No, but I have...a...cyanide pill."  
"Why do you have that?"  
"When you have to endure Snape for so long, it's easy to consider it."  
"True dat...well, I'll give you a ride back to the castle. You know that Potter boy?"  
"Yeah."  
The wraith looked thoughtful (He doesn't have a face so it's hard to know this) and said, "Tell him that Tamago is not to be trusted."  
Then with a short jump, Li'l Hobbitslayer pounced off of the ground and into the night sky.  
  
A/N: Review...etcetera, etcetera... 


	10. A HUNDRED?

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter...says Phorpus, moo moo says the cow, cluck cluck says the chicken...  
  
A HUNDRED?!?  
  
Harry and Hermione were currently in the common room, pouring over books and maps, trying to find out where Ron was.  
"I say we go and kill everybody!", said Harry. "Why? and Where?...and WHO?"  
"I don't care, lets go back to the Hogwarts ruins! I'm in a killing mood!"  
"Then join the confederate army! But right now, we have to find...do you hear that?"  
Harry put his ear to the window and said, "I think Ronny is back!"  
  
-----------------On The Grounds-------------------  
  
Ron landed safely on the grass and waved goodbye to the ringwraith as it flew into the sky.  
"BYE! Don't forget to write! And I hope you beat Armstrong's ass in the race!"  
Harry tackled Ron and started punching the crap out of him.  
"FLIPPENDO! and what are you doing, Harry?!"  
Harry reeled in pain as he realized his head was bleeding and said, "Sorry...I'm in a killing mood...I'm going to fall asleep...now..."  
Harry fell unconscious and started mumbling, "Kill...kill...them both...take the precioussssss..."  
Hermione hugged Ron tightly and said, "Oh, I though we lost you!"  
Ron was blushing madly and said, "Er...uh...er...I have red hair!"  
Hermione let go and said, "Stop joking around, c'mon, lets get some dinner into you."  
Harry never got up, but a couple sea turtles started dragging him into the Yolk Forest...  
  
-----------------------In the Great Hall------------------  
  
"Ron! I thought you'd died!", said Ginny as she hugged her brother.  
"Yeah, yeah...had to fight off all these evil...things..."  
"Oh, yeah? what evil things?", said Hermione.  
"Er...Otters? The radioactive kind?"  
Dumbledore got up and all went silent as he said, "Well, now that one of my misplaced students are found, I'd like to report ANOTHER missing student. Who is much more important and rich, Mr. Harry Potter."  
The whole hall went quiet, even Draco...more probably because of the horse tranquilizers, except for Ginny.  
"I have brought many people in this news. I would also like to say that, it seems that sexual intercourse is STILL running rampant!"  
"Ow! Stop biting my pubes!...", squealed Seamus in the silence.  
The part of the Gryffindor table that was in front of him bumped up and a female whispered a small, "Ow!"  
Seamus wiped the lipstick off of his face and said, "Damn termites."  
Silence.  
"So...", continued Dumbledore "I have decided to administer some tough love...EW! No not that kind!"  
A few people boo'd this.  
"You must now have'relations' with at least 100 different people, in order to stop. Also, when you complete the 100, I will give you two hundred house points and ten galleons."  
Hermione was already trying to make a list of the hundred she would have sex with, while Ron was thinking, "I hope Harry's okay."  
Little did he know that Harry was watching the hall with a gagged mouth...and a familiar hand reaching down his pants...  
  
A/N: Review, not my best work. I PROMISE to post new stuff by tomorrow. 


	11. I Am SO Sorry About This

I'll make this short and blunt. I'm cutting off this story. I'm running out of ideas and after some browser problems I decided I'm spending WAY too much time on this. I really have to finish my book, and the script for a sattire, and I'm using too many of my resources for fanfiction. Oh, and the last chapter was an accident. So, if any of you want to protest (I'll only start writing again if I have more than ten protests) then E-mail it or in a review. I'm losing too many of my ideas on a fanfiction, and I REALLY need to focus on my work. However, I will put up small one-shot stories now and again...if any psychos happened to like my stories. Oh, and visit the pong section, every story there rocks!  
  
Sincerely with deepest sorrow,  
Phorpus C. Stone

Writer/Cartoonist/Comedian  
  
PS: If somebody with an E-mail address with the words flamerhead or someother, I forgot your address and would appreciate it if you mailed it back. That's why you didn't get any chapters from me lately...oh, and thanks to Gryffindor620, lollylover, and others for your constant support...don't ask me why I remembered them, I just did. So long, and I hope Ron learns Japanese someday.


	12. GOOD BYE!

FINAL DECISION  
  
This fanfic is now labeled as DEAD. I received six protests, one flamer (out of twenty-something good reviews), and I have lost the ability to continue. I don't like flamers, and if the coward who insulted my writing wasn't anonymous I'd send him a VERY strongly worded E-mail. I'm planning to leave completley, but if I'm feeling more better, I'll post a new story later. If anybody reading this happens to know who anybody who flamed this is, make sure to give the bitch or bastard hell.  
  
An Indignant

Phorpus C. Stone

Cartoonist/Ex-writer

--------------------In The Common Room-------------------------

Ron and Hermione were shocked at the news. Phorpus had cut off their fanfiction!

Ron said, "I didn't even fuck Hermione, yet!

"Yeah!", said Hermione, "we don't even know where Harry is!"

"Arrmobber ear!", said a muffled voice as Ginny took hold of his...

"Dickens! Now I don't know what's going to happen! This is horrible!", said Ron.

"Yeah, well. We're all leaving the castle now. Ron, make sure to turn off the lights when you go out."

"WHAT?! There's an infinite amount of light here!"

"Meh, we're the only two people here. So...wait a second, we're the ONLY people here!"

Ron was starting to get a little too excited for his own good, "I'll turn off the lights, readers can't see this. Not when the rating is only 'R'."

All the lights went out and ruffling of clothes were heard...then a lamp fell off of a table.

"Ow! Ron, what're you trying to do with my foot?"

A table crashed and the sound of wood splintering was heard.

"Wait, wait, I got it...no, wait...that's my toe."

"OW! Wrong hole, Ron!"

"Sorry! Sorry!"

-------------Three Hours of Moaning, Grinding, and Breaking Later---------------

"Wow...that was...", Hemione was cut short as Ron stepped up to the readers and said, "Thank you for your support and reviews, and if you still want more chapters, E-mail Phorpus, and he'll be glad to send you more. You can review by replying and shit."


End file.
